Spa
by True Colours
Summary: ‘This is the last time I take you out, dog,’ Jasper hissed." Oneshot. Extreme crack. Jasper, Jacob and a sushi bar.


**Spa**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Twilight

**A/N: Prompt-shot, out of the same stable as 'Baseball' by **x-deadstarfish-x. **It had to involve Jasper, Jacob, sushi and a Japanese naked spa. Eh...enjoy?**

'No call to look so aggrieved, Jazzy-boy,' Jacob snarled, brandishing a coil of raw salmon on a chopstick to emphasise his point. 'If you want to have a reasonable discussion of terms, we can do it at the venue of my choice.' A grain of rice flew off his chopstick and landed on Jasper's nose. The vampire brushed it fastidiously away, his eyes focussed coolly on the table, but Jacob noticed that he kept crossing and re-crossing his legs.

So, even vampires had issues with letting their perfect bodies flow free and wild in public.

Jasper took up his chopsticks and toyed delicately with his sushi. Jacob shovelled rice as fast as he could into his mouth, his cheeks bulging.

'So, to resume the topic of the treaty line –'

'Eat a chunk of sushi first.'

Jasper growled as he raised the roll of hideous, disgusting, slimy human food to his mouth and forced it down. He made a mental note to choke it up all over Jacob later.

'Right,' he panted once he'd got it down. 'I propose that, to allow my Alice the sea-bathing her complexion requires, the treaty line be moved to exclude First Beach and the surrounding…'

Jacob flopped back in his chair, eyes glazed and drooling slightly, as the monotonous sounds continued to issue out of the vampire's mouth. God, how could any being ramble so much? Driven beyond endurance, he seized a chunk of sushi and crammed it into the leech's mouth, cutting off his speech.

There was a pause. Then Jasper leapt across the table with a ferocious snarl, landing practically in Jacob's lap. Jacob's chair gave way and dumped the pair of them on the ground, limbs tangled together. Jacob tried to phase, but before he could move the vampire was on top of him, one hand knotted in his hair to pull his head back, fangs aiming for his throat.

'Hi, I guess you boys are ready for the check?' the geisha waitress smiled, bending over them.

'Uh…' Jacob said. The woman seemed to be under some kind of misconception.

'Yes, thank you,' Jasper said smoothly, releasing the werewolf. Anything to get out of this hellhole.

They followed the geisha down a corridor, arms folded awkwardly across their chests in a subconscious attempt at some modesty, throwing occasional, insecure glances at each other's bodies.

'This is the last time I take you out, dog,' Jasper hissed as the geisha held open a door for them. 'I don't care how many treaties we have to discuss, we shall simply swing by and eradicate –'

'We-ell, you kids have fun,' the geisha smiled, and shut the door.

But instead of the dressing room, they found themselves in hot pitch-blackness.

'Wait a minute, this isn't the way out,' Jacob began, and then there was an 'AAArrrrrgggghhh-sploop' as he toppled down some steps and into what felt like a lot of mud.

'It's dead-sea,' Jasper said, dipping in his fingers and examining them with interest. 'Enriched with white clay and coral polyps. I remember it quite distinctly from my fifteenth honeymoon with Alice…'

'Heuuuurrrrggghhh,' Jacob spluttered, heaving himself out of the mud with a loud sucking sound. He lurched backwards into Jasper and the two of them tumbled over backwards into the mud bath.

'You know, sea food is supposed to be an aphrodisiac,' Jasper whispered throatily.

'Aphro-what?' Jacob said blankly.

'A love potion.'

'Oh by the Force, I know,' Jacob groaned. 'Come on, let's get our lightsabers out.'

'Now you're talking,' Jasper breathed, and suddenly his icy lips were crushing Jacob's warm ones, their bodies were twining together and…

Jasper sicked up a mess of raw fish into Jacob's face.

'Oy!' Jacob yelled, staggering backwards.

'Come on,' Jasper purred, 'it's fair do's after that crap date…'

'Crap date, he says,' Jacob muttered, lurching back across the bath to seize Jasper, and suddenly his warm lips were crushing Jasper's icy ones and their bodies were twining together, and what happened next…

Well, let's just say it was extremely predictable.

A/N: I hereby deny all responsibility. Yes, I can do that. I just did. If you hated it, please review 

**True**


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